“Don’t make mistakes.” “You cannot fail.” These phrases were ingrained in us growing up in Malaysia. But why are mistakes viewed as such a big deal? Why is failure seen as something that defines us?
I used to be, and sometimes still am, afraid of making mistakes, constantly worried about not being good enough, aiming for perfection. However, as I’ve grown older, I’ve started to appreciate the beauty in imperfection. I’ve come to realise that failing is not the end of the world, but a vital step in becoming better.
We were taught to avoid failure at all costs, but this perspective overlooks an important truth: mistakes are essential for learning. Missing the mark doesn’t make you a failure, giving up does. Life is full of ups and downs, and it’s natural not to get things right on the first try. What matters is that we keep putting in effort and continue trying.
This frame of mind wasn’t just something we developed internally, it was shaped by the systems around us. A big part of this anxiety stems from how society defines success. Visible achievements like grades, promotions, and awards are valued more than the quiet efforts behind them. Metrics like wealth, productivity, and perfection are often prioritised over mental health, growth and resilience. This creates a culture where people dread failure because their worth is tied to how successful or how “put together” they appear.
A study from UCSI University in Kuala Lumpur found that students’ fear of failure is greatly increased by social pressure and high expectations. This fear not only hinders their growth but limits their motivation to seize opportunities. It reinforces a fixed definition of success that praises triumph but ignores the process it takes to get there.
This fear is most evident in our educational system, particularly during exam seasons. Students often become anxious and distressed, and it is not just about the pressure to perform well in examinations, but the dread of being a disappointment to our parents or falling short in a competitive school environment. Many of us who grew up in Malaysia experienced ‘tiger parenting’, an approach that emphasizes high achievement while often disregarding emotional wellbeing. We were told that straight A’s or being top of the class was the only acceptable goal. That SPM was everything. That doing well in school would lead to a better university, then a better job and the cycle continues. The issue isn’t the exams themselves, but the rigid belief that perfection is the only acceptable outcome. This kind of pressure can make students internalise the idea that failure is shameful rather than a step toward progress.
This anxiety doesn’t end with graduation, it simply changes form. In adult life, it often appears as imposter syndrome, doubting our abilities at work, staying quiet in meetings or feeling like one mistake could unravel our credibility. Even when capable, we second-guess ourselves, fearing we’re not “good enough” or that we’ve fooled everyone into believing we are or maybe deep down, we believe it was just luck and not our true ability. The fear of failure follows us, quietly shaping our choices, shrinking our voices and holding us back from taking risks.
Of course, there are high-stakes situations where mistakes have serious consequences like in medicine, aviation or public safety. But in most of our day-to-day lives, especially when it comes to personal goals, school or career growth, trial and learning should be welcomed. Hustle culture has convinced us that we must get everything right, immediately. Instead of empowering people to grow, it punishes those who don’t get it right on the first try. That’s not only unrealistic, it’s unsustainable.
Given these stakes, it’s crucial that we rethink how we teach students to handle setbacks. As a way forward, schools should include classes or programmes that focus not just on academic success but also on failure and how to bounce back. These classes could foster resilience, self-compassion, and perseverance to keep trying even after mishaps. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s growth mindset theory supports this. It suggests that believing in the ability to grow and improve helps us better face challenges. Students who view mistakes as stepping stones are more likely to persevere. In contrast, being surrounded by an environment that is obsessed with perfection often triggers atychiphobia, an intense fear of failure that limits potential and creates self-doubt.
That’s why embracing our mistakes gives us room to grow, not just in skill, but in self-awareness and confidence. When failure is normalised, we can surround ourselves with a community that uplifts rather than judges. A community that is kinder, more honest and more supportive.
It’s also worth asking where these expectations came from. For older generations, mistakes were costly, not just metaphorically, but literally. I once read that external factors influence why our generation is more open to mistakes. For example, as I write this article on my laptop, I have the freedom to edit, delete and revise without consequences. In contrast, someone using a typewriter had to be far more careful because one typo might mean rewriting the entire page. The same applies to photography. Today, we can take unlimited shots on our phones, but in the past, one photo meant one chance. The environment back then didn’t offer the luxury of trial and error like we have today. Poverty, limited resources, and societal expectations left little room for experimentation. Recognising this helps us understand their perspective, while also appreciating the freedom we now have to rewrite the narrative and redefine success. We live in an era that embraces evolution, experimentation and mistakes, so let’s not take this privilege for granted.
In a world of carefully curated success stories on social media, it’s easy to forget that everyone struggles behind the scenes. Even so, the pressure to get things right still shows up in unexpected ways. I remember feeling anxious and scared about being asked a question in class, especially when I didn’t know the answer. I told a friend, “What if I get called out and I’m not able to answer the question? What happens if I get scolded?” Their response was simple but comforting, “Of course we won’t know everything and that’s okay. If you do get scolded, at least the next time you’ll remember it.” It was exactly what I needed to hear. It changed how I saw things, that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as I’m trying and learning. It also reminded me, we don’t have to face these fears alone, but we do have to be willing to open up, even when it feels uncomfortable.
At the heart of it all is fear, not just of mistakes, but of being seen as less. But beyond fear is growth, and that is what we should strive for. We need to shift our perspective. It’s not about avoiding failure, but about how we rise after a fall. And maybe growth is accepting our mistakes, apologising for them, and promising ourselves that we will do better. When we normalise mistakes and celebrate resilience, we build a culture where effort matters more than perfection, where the journey is just as important as the destination.
As the singer NIKI reminds us, “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.” So let’s not allow fear to keep us from trying. Growth begins when we take risks, even if it means stumbling along the way.
Maybe true success isn’t avoiding mistakes, but trusting ourselves enough to learn, adapt and grow from them.
Trust the process.
Trust the effort.
And most of all, trust yourself.
References:
Lee, A., Ishak, Z., Talib, M., Ho, Y., Prihadi, K., & Aziz, A. (2024). Fear of failure among perfectionist students. International Journal of Evaluation and Research in Education, 13(2), 643–650. https://doi.org/10.11591/ijere.v13i2.26296Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.
